Toward a Place That May Exist

The people who get most upset when you have an opinion on their life choices

are the same people who have never been shy about having an opinion about everyone else’s.

I want to live in a bubble with comfortable, controllable things.

Where I don’t socially humiliate myself on a daily basis. Where my roles and the expectation that accompanies those roles are clear.

I am guilty of projecting unhappiness with myself

onto my relationship.

If it can be described as “chambray”,

I promise your item of clothing is not cute.

Last year around this time

everyone was graduating from college.

This year, they’re all getting married.

You’re not scared of me.

I’m letting go

and pushing off.

Swim after me if you want.

• most girls: hair done up really cute, lots of makeup, designer clothes, hipster blog, thigh gap
• me: no hair, glasses, scary beard, button up shirts and porkpie hat, cooks meth to provide for my family. i am the danger. i am the one who knocks

If it had been me,

you would have been the first one I told.

One of the saddest things about growing up

is realizing your role models aren’t everything you thought they were, but are simply human with the same flaws, insecurities, and selfish tendencies that you struggle with yourself.

We won’t stay friends

because you get mad when I don’t ask you about certain things, and mad when I do. I feel like you’re constantly holding me up to this high, but unspoken standard, and consistently disappointed and upset with me when I don’t meet it.

A friend should never make you feel like you’re jumping through hoops. A friend should accept you as you are, or be able to properly communitcate, in a way that makes sense and solves the problem, when there is something they need, or want, or are hurt by.

I’m learning to quit my perfectionism.

I’m learning to give myself permission to make mistakes, or to do things that I may not be the best at, and not beating myself up for not being the best or sabotaging myself when I know I won’t be the best.

I’m learning to let myself be human, and to cut myself the same slack I cut everyone else.